Kuala Lumpur - The Prime Minister today revealed the next phase of his pet project 1Malaysia. "Malaysians are finding it difficult to understand what 1Malaysia really means, how they can relate to it, and more importantly how my government can implement policies that will reflect 1Malaysia. But all this is certainly not easy if no one except me can understand it. My wife doesn't understand it, the boys in my department don't, and more importantly Dr. Mahathir himself doesn't understand it."
"But now I have decided to solve this problem once and for all. Yes, we are taking 1Malaysia to a whole new level altogether, like no other in the world. We are going to genetically engineer each and every citizen in this country to become, well, 100% Malaysian. Then there will be no such thing as race in this country, just Malaysians," Najib explained.
Najib: Extremely serious about 1Malaysia
The Prime Minister explained that the need to carry out genetic engineering arises because "race" is not a mental figment. "Its not like you can tell yourself you're not a Malay, Chinese or Indian 100 times and poof - you're void of your race. No, race doesn't work that way. Your race is embedded in your genes. And we are going to change just that. Darwin will be stirring in his grave - we are directly opposing his law of natural selection and replacing it with assimilation."
When quizzed how the Prime Minister chanced upon the out-of-the-world idea, he explained, "It all started when the world was getting infected with swine flu. Apparently there are strong evidence to suggest that the H1N1 virus which was responsible for the world-wide pandemic, is actually man-made. This virus is actually a mesh of four viruses: North American swine flu, North American avian flu, human flu and a swine flu strain found in Asia and Europe. Now that got me thinking - if we can somehow mash the genes which are responsible for ethnicity from a Malay, Chinese, Indian, Kadazan, Iban, Orang Asli, other indigenous people, and lets just throw in an Indonesian and a Vietnamese for the heck of it, we would be able to create a truly 1Malaysia."
How gene splicing works; its almost cut-and-paste
"Don't get me wrong; this is just like a mixed marriage, though on a industrious nation-wide scale," he justified.
Najib also added that all Malaysians regardless of their age will be eligible for their shots as soon as the government replicates enough genes. "Yes, it is as simple as walking into your favourite clinic and getting a shot on your arm."
When asked if the government is trying to play God, the Prime Minister explained, "Oh no. We are just mashing the genes which are responsible for ethnicity. We are leaving everything else intact. I mean we could and try to improve the genes are which are responsible for footballing skills, but then that would just be going overboard. You just can't win the World Cup straight away when you have been failing for the past 30 years, right? So no, we are leaving everything else intact."
Najib also explained that re-engineering the genes that are responsible for ethnicity could spell problem for race-based political parties. "Sure, BN's component parties could become obsolete if race does not exist in Malaysia. But that's why we are leaving Malaysians' thinking skills intact - we are not touching the genes which are responsible for brain processes."
"Aiyoyo.. now I don't have any reason to be President. I have no purpose in life anymore!"
"But think of the goodness this can bring us. We will not have to insist constituency electives be from a particular race like in Hulu Selangor, or have race-based groups like Hindraf and Perkasa. Why, I would even dismantle NEP and Ketuanan Melayu for these policies would become obsolete too."
The Prime Minister also acknowledged that by not flirting with genes that operate the brain, Malaysians might walk out of clinics after their shots feeling dizzy and confused. "You might feel as if you have split-personality, or reincarnated, you may not even identify yourself. Just take the pills we give and you should be fine within a week or two."
"I think its going to be interesting how all this is going to turn out. Just imagine a genetically-modified Malaysian trying to eat kuey tiaw with his hands, while speaking a cocktail of Malay, Mandarin, Tamil and indigenous languages all at the same time. Our dress code will be a mesh of kebaya, saree and cheong sam. We will have the business mind of a Chinese, the courtesy of a Malay, and the Indian timing. When you go foreign, you will not have problems of identifying yourselves. You can just proudly say, I am a Malaysian. Currently I hear Malaysian students studying overseas are having problems of explaining their roots i.e. I am Malaysian but I look Indian because my ancestors came from India a long long time ago and.."
"Look, if you think this idea is crazy.. you may want to thank god that I am NOT pursuing my previous idea of relocating Sabah and Sarawak to Peninsula Malaysia."
"The long and short of it, I just want everyone in this country to share my dream. If it takes a needle shot on the arm for everyone to feel Malaysian, then so be it," he said.
"But now I have decided to solve this problem once and for all. Yes, we are taking 1Malaysia to a whole new level altogether, like no other in the world. We are going to genetically engineer each and every citizen in this country to become, well, 100% Malaysian. Then there will be no such thing as race in this country, just Malaysians," Najib explained.
Najib: Extremely serious about 1Malaysia
The Prime Minister explained that the need to carry out genetic engineering arises because "race" is not a mental figment. "Its not like you can tell yourself you're not a Malay, Chinese or Indian 100 times and poof - you're void of your race. No, race doesn't work that way. Your race is embedded in your genes. And we are going to change just that. Darwin will be stirring in his grave - we are directly opposing his law of natural selection and replacing it with assimilation."
When quizzed how the Prime Minister chanced upon the out-of-the-world idea, he explained, "It all started when the world was getting infected with swine flu. Apparently there are strong evidence to suggest that the H1N1 virus which was responsible for the world-wide pandemic, is actually man-made. This virus is actually a mesh of four viruses: North American swine flu, North American avian flu, human flu and a swine flu strain found in Asia and Europe. Now that got me thinking - if we can somehow mash the genes which are responsible for ethnicity from a Malay, Chinese, Indian, Kadazan, Iban, Orang Asli, other indigenous people, and lets just throw in an Indonesian and a Vietnamese for the heck of it, we would be able to create a truly 1Malaysia."
How gene splicing works; its almost cut-and-paste
"Don't get me wrong; this is just like a mixed marriage, though on a industrious nation-wide scale," he justified.
Najib also added that all Malaysians regardless of their age will be eligible for their shots as soon as the government replicates enough genes. "Yes, it is as simple as walking into your favourite clinic and getting a shot on your arm."
When asked if the government is trying to play God, the Prime Minister explained, "Oh no. We are just mashing the genes which are responsible for ethnicity. We are leaving everything else intact. I mean we could and try to improve the genes are which are responsible for footballing skills, but then that would just be going overboard. You just can't win the World Cup straight away when you have been failing for the past 30 years, right? So no, we are leaving everything else intact."
Najib also explained that re-engineering the genes that are responsible for ethnicity could spell problem for race-based political parties. "Sure, BN's component parties could become obsolete if race does not exist in Malaysia. But that's why we are leaving Malaysians' thinking skills intact - we are not touching the genes which are responsible for brain processes."
"Aiyoyo.. now I don't have any reason to be President. I have no purpose in life anymore!"
"But think of the goodness this can bring us. We will not have to insist constituency electives be from a particular race like in Hulu Selangor, or have race-based groups like Hindraf and Perkasa. Why, I would even dismantle NEP and Ketuanan Melayu for these policies would become obsolete too."
The Prime Minister also acknowledged that by not flirting with genes that operate the brain, Malaysians might walk out of clinics after their shots feeling dizzy and confused. "You might feel as if you have split-personality, or reincarnated, you may not even identify yourself. Just take the pills we give and you should be fine within a week or two."
"I think its going to be interesting how all this is going to turn out. Just imagine a genetically-modified Malaysian trying to eat kuey tiaw with his hands, while speaking a cocktail of Malay, Mandarin, Tamil and indigenous languages all at the same time. Our dress code will be a mesh of kebaya, saree and cheong sam. We will have the business mind of a Chinese, the courtesy of a Malay, and the Indian timing. When you go foreign, you will not have problems of identifying yourselves. You can just proudly say, I am a Malaysian. Currently I hear Malaysian students studying overseas are having problems of explaining their roots i.e. I am Malaysian but I look Indian because my ancestors came from India a long long time ago and.."
"Look, if you think this idea is crazy.. you may want to thank god that I am NOT pursuing my previous idea of relocating Sabah and Sarawak to Peninsula Malaysia."
"The long and short of it, I just want everyone in this country to share my dream. If it takes a needle shot on the arm for everyone to feel Malaysian, then so be it," he said.
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