How not to bring up racists

Racism exists, not only in Malaysia, but even in the most developed of nations. Sometimes it is more obvious like beating people up or even murder. At other times, it is so subtle that we don't even realise we're making a racist comment.

Industrial/organisational psychologist Dr Priyadarshini Srinivasan explains that even highlighting a person's race is a form of racism, regardless if it's a compliment or insult.

“When you start identifying that a person is from a particular race, that is a form of racism. You are segregating by race,” she says.

Dr Priya explains that even if you say, for example, the Eurasians are good at cooking, there is the implication that they are bad at something else.

Dr Priya comes from Chennai, India, and has been working in Malaysia for five years as a lecturer. In India, there isn't racism per se but there is the caste system – perhaps not so much in the cities, but rather in the rural areas.

She says that even in developed countries there is racism and it is often based on skin colour.

According to her, a racist is someone who believes that their race is superior and they are prejudiced towards the other races. They believe their culture and values are very unique and they don't like it to get mixed up with others. They just want to be with those of their own race.

Family influence

Dr Priya believes that people become racists because of their families.

“It is a vicious cycle. More than society, I say it is the family that influences children. The family might not even realise it. They might mention something when they are talking or watching TV and that is what the child picks up.”

Dr Priya: 'It is up to parents to help children accept and appreciate the differences of the races.'

She says that parents have a big role to play in ensuring their children are not racists.

“If you want to bring up a society that is not racist, parents have to be very careful. That is not to say that you don't talk about races at all. If you don't mention the races at all you are just making the child blind. It's not going to help.

“Parents can discuss race issues but start when the child is young. Don't wait until they are ready for college. It's already too late then and they won't be able to change much at that age.

“From young, try to make sure the child doesn't make any negative comments about people of other races or even their own race. If the family is making negative comments about a particular race, the child will pick it up from them. Parents should show the child that they are living in a multiracial country and they need to appreciate and accept the differences. Each race has its own virtues and vices. They have their own myths, which might or might not be true.

“Parents are the ones who teach children everything – how to eat and use the toilet, so it is up to parents to teach them about living in a multiracial society, too.

“It is up to parents to see that their child is able to accept the differences of the races and appreciate these differences. That's very important; rather than criticise people based on their race.

“And, if parents laugh about a racist statement, that's it. One laugh is enough, because you are actually encouraging your child to make more racist statements,” she says.

Dr Priya advises parents not to question if their child is spending time with friends of other races.

While parents will be concerned and will naturally check who their children's friends are, the reason behind not being friends with another person should not be because of their race.

School

You might think that sending your child to a multiracial school will be better and that sending your child to a vernacular school (Chinese or Tamil, in this case) will turn your child into a racist. However, according to Dr Priya, research in the United States has shown that this is not necessarily true.

According to the research paper, putting a child in a one-race school is a bit better because when the child is in a multiracial school there is more of a tendency for racial cliques to develop.

When a child is in a single-race school, he or she does not have any idea what the other races are like and so there is less likelihood that the child will turn out racist.

However, Dr Priya advises parents who do place their kids in a vernacular school to do their “homework” by introducing children and friends of other races to the child when they are not in school.

Mixed parentage

If a child comes from a mixed parentage family, is he/she less likely to become a racist?

Surprisingly, Dr Priya says this is not necessarily true as the child might be confused about his own identity. In addition, there is a high probability of the family adopting the culture and language of the dominant race in the family.

That means, if the dad is Chinese and the mum is Indian and the mother's culture is more dominant and the family spends more time with the mother's relatives, the child will grow up assimilating the Indian culture more and might even have racist tendencies towards the Chinese.

The keyword here is “might”.

“We cannot say that they would be less racist. They might be more racist. Because they are searching for their own identity and where they belong. They might be a bit more confused as to where they belong and they might adopt one particular dominant race and they might be more particular about not losing that identity.

“It's nice to say philosophically that they should take their identity from both races, but in reality what we see is they want to identify with one race and they try to move more towards that.

“They might practise the values and attitudes of that race more authentically than someone who is purely of one race and not mixed, too,” says Dr Priya.

She explains that it all boils down to the need for survival. It could also be due to the language used at home, the literature lying around the house and what the child sees and hears at home.

Talk to the kids

How about where you live? What if your neighbours are all of the same race as you?

Let's be practical; the family is not going to move house to a more multiracial neighbourhood. However, parents can check what the child is saying about the other races and even sit down and discuss to find out why the child is saying that.

Children wearing various traditional costumes at The Learning Garden kindergarten in Penang. Children need to be taught from a young age about the other cultures and races.

Dr Priya says that parents can share examples and help their children understand about the cultures and races and how they all came to Malaysia.

“Tell them about the history so they can understand and appreciate instead of making fun. Be objective; each race has its pros and cons and if you're going to talk to your children about it, be fair and talk about your own race, too. Tell them about the stereotypes and explain that it is not fair to stereotype people as it is not always true.

“Show the child examples of good role models of all races who are not like the stereotypes. Try to counter-argue the stereotypes with facts. Bring home your friends of other races and for festivals, visit others, and let your child see for themselves and have a positive experience of the other races.

“Talking about people of other races will only go so far; but nothing beats the child seeing and experiencing for himself or herself,” says Dr Priya.

She suggests parents prepare the child for school by talking about the different races rather than wait for the child to approach the subject.

According to her, by age two, children can already recognise the differences between people and the races. This is also when they are picking up words and learning from adults – not just communication skills but even attitudes towards race.

Dr Priya says parents can start by letting their child play with children of other races as well as getting dolls of different skin and hair colours rather than just sticking to one colour.

What to do

It is comforting though that Dr Priya believes no parent consciously wants their child to become racist.

She says you cannot correct the situation once you have inadvertently said something racist.

If you accidentally say something racist in the heat of the moment, such as when driving, Dr Priya advises against turning that into a teaching moment. She recommends parents speak to their kids about that comment at a later time. If you talk to the child immediately, the child might be confused. The child might not even have been paying attention and by talking about it at that time you are highlighting it to him or her.

“I would recommend the family always have one mealtime a day together when they can talk about their day. This would be a good time to bring up these things,” she says.

According to Dr Priya, it is better to discuss it rather than not.

“If you don't discus it, they might form totally wrong impressions from outside and believe the racial stereotypes which is hard to change once it has been implanted. You discuss religion, school, friends with them; so why not racism as well?

“It's the same with sex. If we don't talk to our children about it, they will get their information elsewhere and it might be the wrong information and this might lead to more harm than good.

“If talking about it is taboo and when we do talk about it, it's all negative, then how do we expect the child to learn?” she asks.

Dr Priya agrees that it can help if you make it a family project to point out and even penalise when anyone says something racist. This way, the family can collectively work at becoming non-racist and the children get to see that mummy and daddy are human and are still working on inproving themselves, too.

Conclusion

While Dr Priya agrees that everyone is racist to a degree, she thinks that Malaysians are generally not too racist, in her experience.

“They say that charity begins at home; it's not just charity. Everything begins at home, even racism.

“Even mocking your own race or highlighting a person's race is a form of racism. It's a negativity bias. You are making the child look for negativity in things and people. You're not saying something positive about people.

“Make your child bold enough to say 'no' to racism and any other form of prejudice and 'no' to stereotypes. Give them a good role model through your own behaviour,” she advises.

She also encourages parents to be sincere otherwise the child will know you are doing it just for the sake of doing it.

While it might seem like an impossible task to stamp out racism 100%, parents can attempt to lessen it at home. The fruits of your hard work might not be seen in your lifetime but perhaps one day, your children's children will benefit from it.